Still Vulnerable
by Abboz
Summary: Post-Age of Ultron. Once baby Nathaniel is brought home, Natasha goes to see him and Clint at the farmhouse. Though she is certainly eager to see the child, she's also keen to have some downtime with Clint. He notices she's worried & they talk through Bruce disappearing, the feelings brought on by Wanda's visions & the fears they sprung from. Clintasha canon complaint headcanon.
1. Main Story

_Door's open_. _Come find us in the front._

Natasha turned off the screen of her phone, pocketing it without opening the message and eased the door of the farmhouse open. True to his word, there was Clint, on the sofa, his head tilted away from the entrance, looking down at the tiny bundle of life asleep against his chest. He looked truly blissful and it seemed rude to walk in and disturb them, and yet as she stood there he looked over his shoulder, gazed at her and somehow the smile that spread across his face managed to make him seem even happier.

"What took you so long? Sit."

"Is it just the two of you?"

He nodded, following her with his eyes as she made her way over and joined him to his left. "Laura's been worrying that the other two will feel neglected. Told her I'd look after him while she took them out for a treat. Plus I thought we could do with some time alone."

"Alone?" She glanced down at baby Nathaniel, then back up to his smiling face.

"Doesn't count. Until he wakes up, we won't even know he's here. When he does, then he can meet his namesake."

If she didn't feel so peaceful gazing at the pair of them, the insanity would have made her think someone was still disrupting her head. How could a child be named after her, she be a godmother and Laura trust her with the safety of this precious and fragile infant? And yet she would already protect him with her life.

"You've gotta admit, Nat. He might be a traitor but isn't he the cutest traitor you've ever seen?"

She didn't know whether it was the words that warmed her heart or the sight of her rough and brooding partner smitten with the baby boy. Either way she smiled. "I'll let him off."

"Anyway, what's up with you?"

Leaning her shoulder against the back of the sofa, the redhead shook her head. "I'm fine."

"I know you, Nat. Spill."

"I think I really messed up."

Clint tilted his head, locking eyes with her and furrowing his brow. "With what?"

"Banner."

She didn't elaborate, features still brushed with worry and he knew better than to push her. With her gaze still holding his, his expression softened. "Did I miss something? Laura seems to think there's something... romantic?"

As she stared some more, he was sure he saw her eyes widen just a fraction. "She saw me shaken, with my head a mess and thought a friend and I worrying about each other was romance?"

He lifted both shoulders very slightly. "She's a hopeless romantic, she sees romance everywhere."

"Except where it really is apparently." Turning in her seat, Natasha eased her back gently against the fabric to minimise her impact on the cushion. The baby stirred, reaching one of his tiny limbs out, but otherwise remained undisturbed. "You know they think she's your wife, right?"

He paused, her voice sounded tense. "Yeah, she's very kissy, with you too. You saw Stark squirm, she thought it'd be funny to mess with him and honestly I couldn't resist either. Besides it was good to see her looking so happy, confident; I've been worried about her, you know?"

She nodded. "So have I."

"There's been far too much stress on her so I'm just glad us showing up with the team didn't add to it, make her feel like they weren't safe; the kids were still vulnerable, so was she and this is her home, their home." Clint watched as she reached over, touching a finger to the tips of the child's digits, stroking until they reflexively held on. The tension he'd held in his shoulders fell away. "Plus it probably keeps them safer if they think they're my family."

"They are your family. They'll keep them, this place, secret anyway."

He nodded. "You're probably right. She seems much more relaxed now anyway. You'd think a newborn would add stress, plus the hormones, but I think now Nate's born it's actually sinking in that we're here for good."

"I think she's seen you with him and knows they're in safe hands."

His heart seemed to swell in his chest as his gaze lifted once more, soaking in the smile on her lips. "Stop changing the subject. Talk to me."

"I think I hurt Bruce and that's why he hasn't come back."

"Why do you think that? He didn't seem hurt."

In the pause that followed, she turned a little more towards him again, gazing over his shoulder and through the window, out at the trees in the distance. Then a squeeze of her finger drew her back to them.

"The visions. Wanda really messed with my head. She took me right back to the Red Room, and even when you'd got me out of the visions, I wasn't free of them, the feelings still lingered, my head was still a mess. You grounded me, and little Lila did, but left on my own..."

"It got worse again."

Natasha nodded. "She made reality seem like a crazy dream. I felt like the girl I was before I met you; couldn't get away from the thought that I couldn't be an Avenger, that I'd never be anything other than their weapon."

Refusing to take his eyes off her, Clint blindly reached for the hand at her side, instead finding her arm. His fingers drifted across her skin, then underneath as she let him trace them along her wrist and over her palm until they intertwined with hers. "That's not true."

"I know that." She tilted her head for just a second. "Most of the time. And right here, right now, with you, I definitely know it but I didn't then. When they all went off to settle in, I was starting to feel better; being here, having Lila's cute little face grinning at me. Then she went off to bug Cooper and before long I felt it starting to creep back in. I wanted to stop it before I couldn't think straight again, I knew I needed to get out of my head, find someone, but it'd be too much for those two kids."

"You should have found me."

"You were with Laura."

"Yeah because she was worrying about me when I was fine. We should have been worrying about you."

She cracked the slightest of smiles at the concern in his eyes. "I'm okay."

"Still."

She tilted her head slightly at him. "Anyway I found Banner, well his room, and waited for him to show; he'd been worried before, telling me I should rest when I was talking to Lila. I didn't want to freak him out so I tried to be normal but it didn't work, it was heavy-handed. Then he said he had to leave, because of the Hulk, and the mess in my head became clearer; I still felt like I didn't belong but that feeling, that fear, all it made me want to do was run."

Avoiding her eyes for a moment, he dropped his gaze until he felt her hand move in his, a reminder that all this had passed. "I'm glad you didn't. I knew I shouldn't have left you."

She squeezed his hand once more, purposefully making sure he would keep his eyes on hers this time. "I trusted that he wouldn't judge so I told him the thoughts in my head. I figured we had the same reason for running so I told him I'd run with him. He claimed it wasn't safe, there was no future for him, no normal life, no children; the things Wanda'd made him think about I suppose. I told him about the graduation, not exactly details, but I said I was the same. We could be two monsters running together."

"And you think not running hurt him? Nat, he was almost as desperate as me to find you, free you. He cares a lot about you."

Her features only scrunched up further. "But he still wanted to run, I didn't; I felt better and I knew our job wasn't done. We needed the green guy and he didn't want to turn, I had to distract him."

"Did you use the kiss-traction on him?"

A pause, no answer except in her eyes. "And then I pushed him, so the other guy had to show. He was angry, even for the Hulk, and then he didn't come back. I think he thinks I don't care, that the whole friendship was fake, to control the other guy."

Clint shook his head at her, firm. When the doubt in her eyes didn't fade, he leant a little closer and did it again. "He knows you care about him, all that time spent on the lullaby, helping him to control the green guy. He once told me how much he enjoyed working with you; told me I was damn lucky as if I didn't know. I know he was glad you could feel safe around him after what the Hulk had done." Softening his gaze, he squeezed her hand tighter, pulling it closer to him. "You said that he was worried about you but you think he couldn't tell you weren't yourself?"

"I don't know; he kept suggesting we disappear."

"I know Bruce, he's gentle; I really can't believe that his immediate reaction to you acting weird wouldn't be to worry, and to get very confused."

"He did ask me if I was out of my mind."

"There you go; he knew. Maybe he only wanted to run because his head had been messed with too. You both looked worse for wear, I think that's why he was thinking about the things he hates most about himself, just like you were. And it's not just his own thoughts he has to contend with, it's the green guy too, both battling Wanda's power. He wanted to disappear, that's why he suggested it, and that's why he did it. I think he will come back when he's ready, probably embarrassed, probably feeling guilty that he let his fears of being a monster take over, and draw yours out too."

"That wasn't him though. Everything I said to him had already been playing on my mind, I was already a mess. It really shook me because the things she made me feel, she played off real fears."

"What fears? Being a weapon? Nat‒"

"And my fears with you."

"With me?" His brow furrowed and finally he felt moisture in his eyes; he thought he'd done well to stave it off this long. If it hadn't been for the child he was holding he'd have hugged her; instead he settled on gripping her hand even tighter. "I'm sorry if I..." He trailed off as she shook her head, over and over, just a little each time but sure and determined.

"It's not your fault, I trust you."

"Then what?" His face was soft now, but his eyes still held on hers despite the tears pooling there, stinging.

"The past eight months, I have watched you acting as dad for these three." She rubbed her thumb across the baby's fingers. "I've been so proud watching you, you've thrived and made them feel safe and fixed this place up for them. You've looked after them and stepped up like you promised your brother and every one of those kids loves you so much, Laura too. You've been amazing, Clint, and when I watch you having the time of your life with them, I can't help picturing what a wonderful dad you would be; and I can't help feeling guilty that I can't give you that."

Seconds passed in silence as he stared at her, replaying her last few words in his head. "Who said I needed that? You know I don't. Even if I wanted that, and even if I didn't have these three, I don't care about that. You're my person, Tash."

The dam opened and cathartic tears flowed down her cheeks, releasing everything that had built inside her; it was over, he was here and she was safe. Smiling, she closed her eyes, leaning into him just enough to touch her forehead to his, careful not to disturb the sleeping child. "I never thought I could be someone's person."

"Come here." She sat back, opening her eyes to him moving the infant, carefully picking Nathaniel up and passing him over to her, laying him against her chest. "Trust me when I say you can't hate yourself with this one curled up to you."

Looking down at him, Natasha grinned, resting her hands on the baby's back to keep him safe. The flood calmed as she watched his little face and felt him stir against her, stretching his limbs, and then settle once more. He was tiny, and beautiful and perfect, and when Clint touched her hand, everything felt right in the world. "Thank you for making me part of this family."

Beaming, he wrapped an arm around her shoulders, drawing her close to kiss her temple. "You were my family first."

Her eyes drifting shut once more, she turned into his touch with a smile. "And you're my person too."


	2. Bonus Epilogue

"Finally."

Clint lifted his head from Natasha's shoulder as Laura's voice broke the silence, looking over the back of the sofa at her. "What?"

"I can finally stop pretending I don't know."

"Know what?"

"You two. I was starting to wonder what I'd have to do to get you to admit it."

"What do you mean?"

"I suggest we pretend to be a couple, you don't object, in fact you think it's a great idea. _You _put on a show for Stark."

"He's fun to mess with. He always squirms."

"And I thought he was squirming because he knew about you two."

Clint turned back to Nat, making eye contact then watching as she added more support under baby Nathaniel. Carefully, she moved herself back, looking round at Laura. "We haven't told any of them about us."

"Then I guess he squirmed because he _thought_ he knew about you. And I thought for sure I could fluster you over Dr Banner, Clint, make you jealous or at least blurt out that she's with you, but what I was saying didn't even compute."

"I trust her."

"Yeah and it's… beautiful." Her expression softened; she wasn't actually angry with them, they had never lied. "And also a little frustrating when I was trying to get you to tell me. You can trust me to keep this secret, all of us. The kids suspect too."

The redhead smiled sympathetically. "We do trust you. We just..."

"Didn't want to rub it in your face," Clint finished for her.

"That's why?" Laura's brow furrowed, then the noise outside drew her attention away. "Come on, you two." The children finally followed her inside, and grinning at them, she checked the door had shut properly. "Look who's here with your little brother."

Both their faces lit up as they rounded the corner, immediately bounding across the room. "Auntie Nat!"

"Hey." She smiled as they ran round to her and lifted her hand to cover the back of the baby's head. "Careful now."

"Are you okay now?" Lila looked at her with wide eyes and she thought that if her partner hadn't already succeeded in melting her heart, then that sweet little girl surely would have done it.

Nat nodded. "I feel much better. And Clint has been taking very good care of me."

"Us too." Cooper watched as their mother joined them, gently stroking their heads.

"Yeah he has. Can you two give us a minute? I'll come find you soon."

"Uh, okay." Cooper led his sister away by the hand, glancing back to see his mum picking her baby up, whispering a greeting to him as she cuddled him close to her chest.

Laura ushered Clint closer to Nat again, giving herself room to join them on his other side. "You're not rubbing it in my face."

"It felt like we would be," Clint explained. "You'd just lost him. We were supposed to be looking after you, helping you; how could we be together in front of you?"

"You are hardly king and queen of PDAs. I do appreciate it, I know it would have hurt to see at first. But people are together everywhere, I could hardly hide forever. Now I know it's good to be reminded why we do it, why we risk the heartache and not just when I look into their faces." She peered down at the infant nestled to her. "I want them to see real love, see how happy it makes you, see the security, see it's worth it." Laura nodded her head to the redhead before her. "You're already Auntie Nat. Besides I'm pretty sure they know; sometimes I see them watching when you gaze at each other. So please don't hide it anymore."

Clint smiled, waiting for Nat to nod before he gave his answer. "Yes, Ma'am."


End file.
